Hi. How ya been?
Hi. How are you? How've you been? Long time since I've been here.
Been busy writing all the things down. And working on the career. On top of keeping up with ways to expand. Like, growing. Into cinematography. Photography. I want to grow. the. mind. So badly.
I want to focus on what matters most to me. Like my work. My training. It is said that 20% of what you do is responsible for 80% of your happiness. You should focus on that 20%. Put your center right in the middle of that 20%. And you'll be happy. Happier.
With that, I know what my 20% has been. Art, sports, movies. No particular order but those three have brought me the greatest happiness.
I've been looking into expanding out of that 20% and adopting a companion. A wee pup. I need a good friend. And a dog seems to be the way to go. I wanted to go visit a little girl who I met last month. She's a terrier mix and adorable. Today though. Didn't happen.
I have some work to complete and then I'm going to go to some art shows. I need some cheering up.
I think I'm...and this is hard to say. Say out loud. Type out loud. I think I'm in love. I woke up this morning knowing this. And it crushes me. Every time that realization hits, I try to do something to break the thought out of my head. Out of my heart. and it's hard. This morning, I decided to do some internet house cleaning. On my iPad. And I kinda fucked things up by doing that. I was like Godzilla in a china store - bulldozing my way through on an iPad that's been having some issues. And I blocked and deleted a lot of things/accounts. Including a couple that I didn't mean to.
So I fucked up and hoping I cleaned shit up.
But back to the heart stuff. Oh, its bad.
And I probably fucked this up royally. One thing is, I for some reason, have the hardest time being open about things like, when I'm hurt. What I'm feeling. I have trust issues. After a long time relationship that fucked with my head (and heart), can one blame me? Well, yeah. I can be blamed. I am an adult. I need to own this shit. And I'm hurt. Really hurting.
I didn't realize yesterday was Valentines Day until really really late into the day. Because of work. Later that night, once I was done with work, after wine, gummy bears and a horror film (or two), I for the first time in a LONG time, felt lonely.
I'm okay being alone. I get into my groove and just do the whatever thing. I have no one but me to answer to, after all. I'm pretty free. I want to be with someone who doesn't take me for granted and I feel I've been allowing a few people to take me for granted. That ends. But the sadness and loneliness remains. My mind (and probably my heart, too) is just a big messy ball of wax. Lots of thoughts. The thoughts are the ice cream, melting and the sadness is the sauce, dripping down and mixing with the melting thoughts and making sadness thought swirls in the dish.
I hate feeling this way. I want to get out of my head so desperately. I want to do things. But mostly, I wish I had that one person I could talk to. Share things.
ETA: About competition. As I was training (this is from a few months ago), I realized something. I'd rather be "training" for my career. I've done the sports thing. I've accomplished what I needed to from those sports. I had my chance to shine (boxing) and went forward with other sports (strongman and power lifting) and shone there. I've done what I could as a drug-free athlete in bodybuilding. But now, as a storyboard artist, I've found my next great challenge. And then, cinematography is presenting the next next challenge. And growing my mind. I want to work on my brain. So, my focus has turned a corner to another neighborhood. I'm still training. That will never stop. The focus has certainly become more defined. To where I need to be.
Oh, and I burnt myself on December 31. 1st and 2nd degree burns. It was bad and its finally begun to heal. I was in a LOT of pain for a while. That affected my training, big time.
I'm listening to Brendon Buchard. Right now. Latest podcast and I NEEDED TO HEAR THESE WORDS. Its about when "you feel horrible". Right? Perfect. His words, I need to say to someone - a friend and say, "I'm in a funk and could really use some company. Do you want to hang out?"
"be thoughtful on what you are ruminating on"
What he's suggesting, "set your intention"..."get out and do something". Is exactly what I did earlier. I got in my car, put the top down, went for a drive. Got gas and washed my car. Got home. I still feel awful. Just not as awful if I were to hide under the covers in my bed. Oh, and I'm writing. Writing this shit down.
Been busy writing all the things down. And working on the career. On top of keeping up with ways to expand. Like, growing. Into cinematography. Photography. I want to grow. the. mind. So badly.
I want to focus on what matters most to me. Like my work. My training. It is said that 20% of what you do is responsible for 80% of your happiness. You should focus on that 20%. Put your center right in the middle of that 20%. And you'll be happy. Happier.
With that, I know what my 20% has been. Art, sports, movies. No particular order but those three have brought me the greatest happiness.
I've been looking into expanding out of that 20% and adopting a companion. A wee pup. I need a good friend. And a dog seems to be the way to go. I wanted to go visit a little girl who I met last month. She's a terrier mix and adorable. Today though. Didn't happen.
I have some work to complete and then I'm going to go to some art shows. I need some cheering up.
I think I'm...and this is hard to say. Say out loud. Type out loud. I think I'm in love. I woke up this morning knowing this. And it crushes me. Every time that realization hits, I try to do something to break the thought out of my head. Out of my heart. and it's hard. This morning, I decided to do some internet house cleaning. On my iPad. And I kinda fucked things up by doing that. I was like Godzilla in a china store - bulldozing my way through on an iPad that's been having some issues. And I blocked and deleted a lot of things/accounts. Including a couple that I didn't mean to.
So I fucked up and hoping I cleaned shit up.
But back to the heart stuff. Oh, its bad.
And I probably fucked this up royally. One thing is, I for some reason, have the hardest time being open about things like, when I'm hurt. What I'm feeling. I have trust issues. After a long time relationship that fucked with my head (and heart), can one blame me? Well, yeah. I can be blamed. I am an adult. I need to own this shit. And I'm hurt. Really hurting.
I didn't realize yesterday was Valentines Day until really really late into the day. Because of work. Later that night, once I was done with work, after wine, gummy bears and a horror film (or two), I for the first time in a LONG time, felt lonely.
I'm okay being alone. I get into my groove and just do the whatever thing. I have no one but me to answer to, after all. I'm pretty free. I want to be with someone who doesn't take me for granted and I feel I've been allowing a few people to take me for granted. That ends. But the sadness and loneliness remains. My mind (and probably my heart, too) is just a big messy ball of wax. Lots of thoughts. The thoughts are the ice cream, melting and the sadness is the sauce, dripping down and mixing with the melting thoughts and making sadness thought swirls in the dish.
I hate feeling this way. I want to get out of my head so desperately. I want to do things. But mostly, I wish I had that one person I could talk to. Share things.
ETA: About competition. As I was training (this is from a few months ago), I realized something. I'd rather be "training" for my career. I've done the sports thing. I've accomplished what I needed to from those sports. I had my chance to shine (boxing) and went forward with other sports (strongman and power lifting) and shone there. I've done what I could as a drug-free athlete in bodybuilding. But now, as a storyboard artist, I've found my next great challenge. And then, cinematography is presenting the next next challenge. And growing my mind. I want to work on my brain. So, my focus has turned a corner to another neighborhood. I'm still training. That will never stop. The focus has certainly become more defined. To where I need to be.
Oh, and I burnt myself on December 31. 1st and 2nd degree burns. It was bad and its finally begun to heal. I was in a LOT of pain for a while. That affected my training, big time.
I'm listening to Brendon Buchard. Right now. Latest podcast and I NEEDED TO HEAR THESE WORDS. Its about when "you feel horrible". Right? Perfect. His words, I need to say to someone - a friend and say, "I'm in a funk and could really use some company. Do you want to hang out?"
"be thoughtful on what you are ruminating on"
What he's suggesting, "set your intention"..."get out and do something". Is exactly what I did earlier. I got in my car, put the top down, went for a drive. Got gas and washed my car. Got home. I still feel awful. Just not as awful if I were to hide under the covers in my bed. Oh, and I'm writing. Writing this shit down.
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